So I've decided to embark on a promising, if short-lived, new source of revenue for the Lissnkids family. See, I'm going to rent out my son to people who have a baby or will soon have a baby and are in that process of trying to minimize the bazillion different ways their precious bundle of joy could be injured or killed. He's going to be a Babyproofing Consultant.
Seriously, ten minutes in your home, backyard, or office, and Monkey will have identified all possible and probable risks in the area so that you can barricade, strap down, and dispose of these dangers before your own little one begins exploring.
For a low fee, Monkey will identify all appliance buttons that can be removed and eaten. He will demonstrate the ease with which your marigolds can be removed from their pots. He will show you the easiest method to scale the bookshelves, and then, just to show you he's up for the challenge, he will shove together some impromptu implements such as a stuffed rocking horse and several diaper boxes, clearly pointing out all of the second story windows that need protective bars on them. He'll demonstrate any number of items that will fit easily down each of your drains, with special attention on the toilets. He will help you determine which surfaces in your home will repel various spills and inks, and which hiding places for writing utensils are absolutely useless. He will find that needle you think you may have dropped behind the chair. He will test your abilities to clear the table after a meal in a single trip, since anything left behind is certain to be spilled, broken, or eaten in the fifteen seconds it takes you to deliver your first trip to the kitchen. He will kindly disconnect all speaker wires from their speakers, making it much less likely for your progeny to suffer any hearing loss from the music you may be blaring to drown out the sound of them screaming. He'll also show you all of the ways your hard-earned CD and DVD collections can be scratched, mauled, and devoured, even though you have stored them out of reach and locked up. He will correctly identify all books in need of binding reinforcement. And, as a bonus service, he will enhance your speed-seeking skills (always a plus, since he is also gifted in the art of sudden disappearance) by finding creative hiding places for one half of each pair of shoes you own (which you will discover when you have exactly twelve seconds to leave the house in order to be on time to your destination).
For those with older siblings, don't forget to ask us about our Absolute Annoyance program, which involves several visits and is sure to test the patience of your older child as Monkey snatches toys, bites and scratches, and howls in a high-pitched tone every time your older child looks at him funny. This program is proven to break the spirit of even the most patient of children, readying them for the challenging world of being an older sibling.
I really do try to have a safe environment for Monkey to play in and explore, and it has always been my intention to minimize the amount of things in his daily life that are off limits. Still, he is continually finding new things that are completely unsafe. Tonight, though, he showed me that maybe I need to lighten up a little.
We were lying in bed cuddling and nursing, and Monkey popped off and sleepily began shaking his finger in front of him. "No no no no no no no no NO!" he said, wagging the finger. Then he moved the finger to his lips and said, "SHHHHHH! SHHHHHH!" He nursed a little more, and then repeated this process, his tired little voice sliding into a monotone: "nonononononoshhhhhhnononononononoshhhhhhh!" and his little finger tsk tsk tsking away.